Monday, December 26, 2011


In this location where we number and count what we perceive as "time", it is approximately 5 days before the arrival of the year 2012 and there are so many myths and theories and beliefs about the so-called "end of the earth" that I will not bother to attempt to list them.

The only theory or prediction that has held my attention is the prediction that we are living in a 'time' when we are 'over due' for a major cataclysmic event of some sort. The cataclysm theory has held my interest due to the fact that I am a student of ancient history and I have learned that events do travel from location to location in a not-yet-fully-understood... cyclical manner. If you are reading this entry, you can see that I am obviously not hiding out in some cave waiting for... the end.
Instead, I am sitting in front of this electronic monitor and... thinking. It is also obvious that the earth shattering cataclysm has not yet arrived.

I used to bemoan my childhood cataclysm-related experiences and thought of them as some kind of curse that had somehow befallen me. I am fortunate that I did not somehow get 'stuck' in this doom type of life perspective and instead threw myself very deliberately into the study of ancient history and all the fascinating mysteries that awaited me. I have arrived at the understanding that these childhood cataclysm-related experiences served to mold and shape me into an individual that chooses to infinitely live and learn - versus - hovering in a state of fear based atrophy.

As a child of the fifties, we were taught to get on our hands and knees under our school desks when we heard the very audible civil defense alarms which interrupted our studies. No one ever bothered to take the time to explain to me or to my school mates that these civil defense 'practice' alarms were designed and created to announce the approach of a nuclear holocaust and that kneeling under our school desks was absolutely and completely preposterous. Fortunately, the interruption of our school day and kneeling under my school desk served as a welcome opportunity to 'misbehave' and giggle. Obviously, we were not destroyed by a nuclear bomb and I am still here to write about it.

As the daughter of fanatical fundamentalist Christians, I was taught that some horrible event referred to as Armageddon was going to arrive in... are you ready for this? 1975. Fortunately, as an intelligent and ever-questioning and free thinking child, who to this day does not accept absolutely anything as 'truth" unless - or - until I have investigated it on my own, the whole Armageddon thing did not survive for long and was completely discarded by the age of 9. On the other hand, 1975 was indeed a landmark year in my life as it marks the year that I gave birth to my son and became a mother.

At this present location (how I think of time) I am now surrounded by the most recent and impressive collection of end-of-the-world theories. Some 'experts' claim that the Mayan culture knew that the world would end in 2012 and other 'experts' claim that the Mayan calendar marks the birth of a new manner of life for the earth and it's inhabitants. Personally, I find these Mayan mysteries quite fascinating and decided long ago that the anticipation of outcomes is a very limiting way to use the brain. Instead, I choose to think of this location as the 'adventure' that it is and try to advantageously utilize the opportunities for learning that are available within it.

Armageddon and the end-of-the-world are considered to be very serious and profound topics and thus, I suppose that this is an appropriate location to include a profound and ancient quote that has served me well and so I will do so. (mirth)

"There is nothing noble about being superior to some other man. The true nobility is in being superior to your previous self"
Hindu proverb
Because I do not think that 'time' as we perceive it is in any way linear - the word "previous" in the above quote remained within it - out of respect for the 'thinker'.
If, however, I was granted consent to re-write it... I would instead write...

The true nobility is in being superior to your other selves. (mirth)

I will end this post by quoting lyrics which resonate for me and were written by my favorite folk singer Sheryl Crow.

The lyrics are from Sheryl's composition "Every Day is a Winding Road".

"I've been living on a sea of anarchy.
I've been living on coffee and nicotine.
I've been wondering if all the things I've seen, were ever... were ever really happening... ever really happening.

Jump in. Let's go.
Lay back and enjoy the show"


Sunday, November 06, 2011

Alarm Clocks

There are subjects upon which I dwell in my consciousness and yet I rarely speak of them. I don't write about these subjects. There exists a high probability that I do not write about these subjects because I am somewhat of a coward. A remote possibility exists that I do not write about these subjects because it is a contradiction to to attempt to influence others to think as I do. Today, the subject is 'alarm clocks'. Not the material thing that usually sits on your bedside table and serves to awaken you in the morning. But rather the kind of alarm clock that does indeed "alarm" you, that is life changing and manifests internally from one moment to another, leaving you changed for all of eternity.

An excellent example would be the moment when I discovered that my former husband was unfaithful. If I were to describe this in his own religious vocabulary, I would have to write - the day I discovered that my husband was an Adulterer. The facts were always there in plain sight. The facts existed as if they were simply waiting for me to finally discover them. My discovery was not the birth of a suspicion, but rather, the discovery of an irrefutable fact. Just as earth shattering for me, was the discovery that there were others that were privy to this fact, when all the while I remained asleep and completely ignorant of the truth. The changes that this event generated were not only immediate, they were indescribably painful and I proceeded to enter into a long period of profound introspection and mourning. What I mourned, was the death of the illusions within which I wanted to dwell. The profound introspection continues to this day. It was as if from one moment leading into another, I had walked into a completely different universe. In this new universe, my life was about life as it really is - versus - life as I wished it to be. Emotionally, I wanted to go backwards and forget what I knew. I wanted my old and completely false life back. I wanted it back immediately. However, as I so painfully discovered, this was not to be. From the moment that I opened my eyes and woke up - I was unable to regain my state of blind slumber. Although it was to be a very long time before I actually took genuine steps to put an end to this falsehood, the immediacy of the internal transformation served to shape and mold the woman I evolved into at present.

This new woman is what I think of today as a 'realist'. I have very slowly and methodically taught myself that knowing is a better choice over believing. I do not want the foundation of my life to be that which I believe - but rather - that which I know to be.
Frequently, I catch myself saying out loud "It is what it is". This phrase carries many different meaning to many different people. However, in my case, it means to see 'what is' and not to invest myself in 'wishing for all to be as I want it to be'.

I have discovered that there lies within me a tendency to try and crawl into a protective defensive cave of 'wishful thinking' and attempt to dwell in an enclosure of falsehood. The remedy for this desire are what I have learned to think of as 'alarm clocks' and thus, the title and theme of this post.

Wake up! Wake up! - Stay Awake! Open your eyes! is the job of the alarm clocks. Whether I listen and take action, is as always... my choice to make. Thus far, in spite of the heaviness of my eye lids, I remain awake. I know that without the assistance of the alarm clocks, I would have succumbed to the mesmerizing call of slumber.

There is not and can be not only one alarm clock for the realist. A realist requires consistent and regular shocks from a large variety of alarm clocks. If the sound of the alarm is always the same, my nature is to dismiss it as the familiar sound I do not 'want' to hear. I require new sounds and new shocks to my human condition. These alarm clocks are other souled beings that dwell upon the earth. The alarm clocks are beings that have a conscience and that are free thinkers. They are rebels and mavericks and people that 'ruffle your feathers'. They are people who will not be ignored or dismissed. They are everywhere you can imagine - if you have eyes to see. They are at your place of employment, the park, the farmers market, the internet. Some of these people are participants in the Occupy Wall Street grass roots idea. These alarm clocks are a manifestation of an idea and an idea is immortal. An idea is not a material thing that can be eradicated - or owned - or controlled. There exists an infinite and abundant supply of alarm clocks for us all.

Do a little seeking and a little searching and they will come forth to serve you.

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Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Eating turkey and swallowing lies...

Every year this chubby dude we in the U.S. of A. call Santa Claus flies through the sky inside a vehicle pulled by reindeer and revisits our culture. We call this visit "Christmas" and many of us pass on this myth/legend/lie? and unfortunately spend preposterous amounts of hard-earned-$$$ on gifts. For the most part, I don't have too many issues with the celebration of what we call the Christmas holiday. Families and friends do indeed gather for celebration and in the 'big' picture of it all - it's not a particularly 'harmful' myth.

Thanksgiving is in a league of it's own. Just in case you are not aware of this fact, allow me to enlighten you.

There is absolutely not a teeny tiny shred of evidence to support the lie that the white anglo saxons that 'invaded' North America were chummy with the indigenous North Americans (the "Indians") and that both of these groups (the invaders and the invaded) sat down and shared a yummy meal - thanks to the generosity of the invaded.

For the the purpose of accuracy and fairness and balance, allow me to add here that I realize that all native Americans were not necessarily noble and gentle and kind folk. They had their own territorial conflicts and I think I can consider the probability that murders were committed by members of one tribe against another tribe. Take a few minutes and search for the historical evidence of the now famous and accepted Thanksgiving dinner. I encourage you to search for factual evidence! Oh! I forgot to add - don't search in an American history book.

On the other hand, evidence by the truck load does exist that the white anglo saxon invaders slaughtered the indigenous North Americans almost to the point of extinction! I again, encourage you to look for this evidence and should find yourself impressed by the abundance. You will find the evidence also includes native American "oral" history passed down - and of course - completely dismissed and ignored by the white man.

Consequently, I do not buy into this Thanksgiving lie (oh well... I can be generous and call it a 'myth' instead of a lie).

What I feel inspired to do when I sit down with family to share a Thanksgiving meal, is to ask the native American peoples for forgiveness for having what might be considered white skin! I feel inspired to teach others the truth about this matter - with the hope that "Americans" will some day cease the practice of exterminating people that have something that they want. At the very least, I feel inspired to ask others to consider the possibility that what they have been taught - and what they have chosen to believe - is a very very questionable version of the truth.

Yes. This is what I think and this is how I feel.

No. There were no weapons of mass destruction found in Iraq.
There was - the slaughter of innocent people.
and oh! wait! yes - there was oil.

No. There was no chummy friendly meal hosted by our friendly native americans.
There was the slaughter of innocent people.
and oh! wait! yes - there was land.

By all means! have a seat and visit with your family and enjoy your meal on Thanksgiving day!

With each bite of food that you swallow, please try not to swallow the lies.

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Speaking in tongues...

Speaking in tongues

Speak to the trees
Sink your feet into the earth
Stretch your arms up and reach for the sky
They will hear you

Speak to the bees
Explore your inner silence
Spin your atoms from the inside out
They will hear you

Speak to the ocean
Call together the fluidity of your self
Shake and sway away all limits
Harness the wind and let go
She will hear you

Speak to your brothers
Look straight and deeply into their eyes
Allow them to recognize who you are
They will hear you

Speak to your sisters
Tenderly touch their faces
Compassionately sing their songs
They will hear you

Speak to the earth
Walk upon her softly
Leave no trace upon her surface
Praise her beauty and generosity with your love
She will understand
She will hear and sustain you

Thursday, April 02, 2009

the path of the infinite...


How it was that I knew... I could never explain to another.

How did I know; while still a girl child; that I would one day become a mother? I can only write that I did know this.

How did I know; in advance; that the experience of motherhood would prove to be an indescribable and profound path chosen by my soul? I can only write that I did know this.

How can I explain to a another that the first time I read the words of Kahlil Gibran on children, it took my breath away...

Would you believe me if I wrote that I felt certain that he had somehow violated the sanctity of my brain; secretly stolen my thoughts and then proceeded to write them down and publish them as his own?

It matters not whether you believe me or not; or even if you have ever experienced the love felt by a mother for her children.

What does matter; in my humble opinion; is that all of us... at the very least; attempt to understand the great value held in the opportunity to love another being and to be loved by another.

The souls that cross our paths clothed in flesh can serve as dynamic opportunities that have manifested into physical form. What we make of this and how we choose to act when these opportunities present themselves - are the events... that life and learning are birthed from.

May the destinies of the arrows inspire us all to fly and may the bows serve us well.

On Children

by Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.

They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

They come through you but not from you,

And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

For they have their own thoughts.

You may house their bodies but not their souls,

For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

You may strive to be like them,

but seek not to make them like you.

For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children

as living arrows are sent forth.

The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

and He bends you with His might

that His arrows may go swift and far.

Let our bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

so He loves also the bow that is stable.

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Sunday, February 15, 2009

Death and dying...

If "time" involves anything similar to a theme, then... the theme of this last earthly year has been all the imaginable subjects related to what I perceive as "death".

I understand, that it is the soul that matters and not the physical earthly body. I understand this, as well as I am capable of knowing and understanding any idea of great importance. Earthly life is impermanent. Earthly life is linear. Earthly life has a beginning and an end.

I understand that it is only when I pause... and meditate on this subject, that I truly remember the great significance of these understandings. As I walk through my earthly days and nights, I oh-so-easily forget what I have remembered and proceed to live as if the earthly body were permanent and immortal.

I was blessed with the earthly death of my father and my grandmother within the last 3 months. It is natural and understandable that everyone will not perceive the arrival of physical death as a "blessing". It is for me, a great blessing as I understand that if either one of them still fit here - they would still be here.

In my own personal dictionary, the fact that they no longer fit here, is perceived as a the completion of a cycle. Their death is perceived by me as a completion of some - if not all - of the lessons which they came here to work on - and this... is always a great accomplishment! I am thinking that the death of their own earthly body is for them a great blessing.

However... their death has also served as a great source of important lessons for me. I participated in so many different experiences that were related to their dying and their death, that I was somewhat shocked by the infinity of profound personal lessons available within.

The opportunities to think and to feel and to act and to not act were available for me on an almost daily basis. The opportunities to attempt objectivity regarding my own thoughts, feelings and actions served me well. The only real issue... or real challenge... related to all of these profound individual lessons, is that they were clearly my lessons to learn - and not the lessons of anyone else.

Understanding this and accepting this is easier written about - than achieved! As usual... I was plagued by the human desire to make my lessons - the lessons of others - and this... is a clear violation of the free will of others. I do understand this. I don't like it. I struggle with it... but, I do understand this.

As I watched my father's body die, I do think that I was somewhat privy to some of the soul-struggles he experienced. It was for me, a very painful and very difficult experience.
I realized... I was reminded... that there was very little that I could give this being to help him "face his own demons". When my time comes... I expect it will be no different.

I watched his desperate struggle to remain alive - as he hoped that doctors and drugs would be the answer. I hope and I pray that I will clearly remember the futility in this and that I will choose differently.

My father's dying and his physical death served as a catalyst for facing my own demons. With an earthly history of victimization, I found myself, once again, tolerating abuse and responding with the thoughts, feelings and behavior characteristic of a victim.

I think that it must be extremely difficult for anyone that has not suffered abuse to understand that an inner voice prompted me to make a choice. For some unexplainable reason... I clearly understood that I could indeed choose to remain the victim of my father's abuse - or - I could choose not to. The most difficult aspect of the choice, lies within the fact that the choice became available within the context of his earthly death. I came very close to characteristically choosing the path of victimhood,
very very close...

I found that I could not justify remaining his victim out of love, or external consideration, or empathy, or compassion. I felt sorely tempted to remain his victim - out of a feeling of pity, i.e. "my poor father is old and he is dying and I will probably only have to be victimized for a short period of time".

However... I also understood that a soul - any soul - struggling to learn - is not a pitiful being. A soul struggling to learn is a natural element in the universe - not something or someone to be pitied. My father did not deserve to be pitied - and in the same light - his daughter did not deserve to be abused.

Simple? not exactly...
for the choice, like all choices... this choice also generated a slew of peripheral outcomes within my biological family. These experiences, these thoughts, these choices, were once again... only my individual lessons. To expect anyone else to agree, or understand or accept any of it was not only futile - but it was was unbalanced thinking and unrealistic expectations.

It was only when a family member behaved in a judgmental and critical manner, that I felt motivated to attempt to explain my lessons and the reasoning behind my choices - not because I was feeling guilty or defensive - but rather because I was feeling so very "misunderstood", i.e. "poor poor me". This limiting feeling of self-pity and of being "misunderstood" was a lesson all of it's own.

With my father's death, his mother was left, once again, living alone. Before I felt I had the opportunity to really accept the complete experience of one death, I was confronted with the very real probability of an additional death.

Intuitively, I knew that my grandmother would die very very soon. She died exactly 5 weeks later.

Not one day passes that I do not think of my grandmother. I try so much not to feel hatred. I understand that hatred is one of the most limiting emotions we are capable of. But I acknowledge, that I do hate that she suffered so much in the last 5 weeks of her life.

Even though I realize that her own lessons obviously included all the experiences contained within those last 5 weeks - it still feels painful when I remember her suffering. I would have gladly given my own physical life - if my own death would have lessened her own suffering.

I did not pity my grandmother either. There was nothing about this strong and independent woman that inspired pity. I did love her - and I will always love her.

My grandmother taught me a lot about love.

My "Abuela" taught me many things that I value today and will always value. I learned as much from what I perceive as her "mistakes" as I learned from what I perceive as her "successes"!

The most profound blessing related to having her in my life - is that I did know - while she was physically present - that she was - one of my most cherished teachers!

I benefited from her presence and her involvement in my life while she was still physically here.

I think that one of the most important lessons she passed on for my consideration is that we humans have the capacity to "accept" others - even when those others may abuse us.

She felt pain and anger and outrage related to the abusive behavior of humans towards humans, and yet, she accepted this as a fact of life. Not as a fact to be justified or agreed with or supported - but as a fact that can be accepted as just that... one realistic and objective fact.

I know that she prayed to "her god" for patience and forgiveness every day. I think that her prayers were answered - as she apparently was able to accept those things which she knew she could not change.

My Abuela, also taught me a lot about the futility of accumulating or valuing all which is "material". Abuela lived a frugal and simple life. Through her actions - she demonstrated to me that she did not value the accumulation of money or other material possessions. She somehow knew... intuitively... that doctors and drugs were not the answer.

I think that living a long earthly life must include pros and cons just like any other long-lived opportunities that arise. It is, I think, reasonable to assume that she was able to learn a lot while she was here. I hope and I pray that she learned how much she meant to me.

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Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Knowledge Protects and Ignorance Endangers

I once hoped, wished and believed that only - what I understood to be BIG, SERIOUS AND IMPORTANT choices would or could impact my destiny. Based on this belief, I was comfortably ready, willing and able to take responsibility for what I considered to be the BIG choices. I put forth my best effort as to what I chose and how I handled the outcomes of these seemingly BIG and IMPORTANT choices. Furthermore, I assumed that all the other smaller and less significant choices would... well... sort of just magically take care of themselves and ALL would be well.

I now see things very differently. I realize that what may appear to be the most insignificant decision, can dramatically change the entire course of my life. Within the context of an ever dynamic set of probabilities that always exist in an ever present state of fluctuating potentials, the value lies in understanding that not choosing and not deciding is a serious matter. Our thoughts are the fundamental key - that opens the door - to any potential expansion of awareness. When we do not practice how to use our potential capacity to think deliberately, we fail to recognize the infinity of opportunities that exist to learn how to think - really think.

So, I ask myself, does someone or something else think on my behalf when I fail to think for myself? I think so. I think my brain is similar to a mansion in an upscale neighborhood. If I do not move in, furnish it and live in it - someone else will. I will be like a homeless person that doesn't have a clue as to what life can be like inside that great and lovely mansion.

So, getting back to the brain and the ability of the mind to use the brain as a unique tool for thinking, we can either learn how to think for ourselves and think deliberately - or we can think by default. By this I mean, that when you do not think, you do not decide, you do not choose... one of the threads in the fabric of the universe - will think on your behalf. When we become accustomed to allowing others to think on our behalf - without even noticing, we lose all awareness of the fact that this is even happening. We walk through our lives in a state of ignorance and blind oblivion - believing the entire time - self-assured through the entire experience - that we are, in fact, thinking and deciding and choosing. Since we believe ourselves to be thinking, this belief becomes very real and we slip and slide our way through the river of life and become firmly entrenched and quite comfortable within the belief.

Every single time we arrive at an intersection and are faced with a choice, we do not see the traffic light, we do not see the road signs, we do not realize that a choice is not only available, a choice is necessary. Stop? Move forward? Turn right? Turn left? Fail to act? It is possible to be carried away by other sleeping automatons that surround us and to be blissfully ignorant of what has - in reality - occured. Or better said, be blissfully ignorant of what has failed to occur.

Initially, this "thought awareness" may lead to a state of what we perceive of as "thought paralysis". The fear of making - what we perceive as the "wrong" choice can actually appear to be a failure to choose. Overcome by fear and indecision, we suspend the action of deliberate thought. The outcome of this "suspension" is fairly predictable. The failure to generate a deliberate thought will still produce some kind of outcome. The point is - the only way to learn how to think is by thinking. The process of thinking is dynamic and this process will create an outcome whether we are aware of it or not. Every time I think and every choice I make will teach me something... and I will resonate with the natural dynamic flow of the universe. I will not choose atrophy.

My thoughts and my choices hold the potential and the opportunities to learn something new. Every opportunity to learn may allow me an opportunity to acquire knowledge which holds the potential to enhance and expand awareness.

Knowledge protects and Ignorance Endangers

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Hairspray, and other discarded things.

The image is to the left, is one I have "borrowed" from:

I encourage you to visit this site and view the image of this lady to the left. At this website you will "see" her - spinning...

The website accompanying explanation, claims that:
If you see her spinning clockwise, then it means you are using the right side of the brain. If, on the other hand, you see her spinning counter-clockwise, then you are using the left side of the brain.

Some people are able to see her spinning in both directions, but most of them see her rotating only in one. If you can see her spin in one directions and then make her spin in the other, then you are a part of a handful of people.

Even if it might not seem so, both directions can be seen. Apparently, this fact has been proved at the Yale University, USA, after 5 years of studying the human brain and its functions. Supposedly only 14% of the US population can see her spinning in both directions.
End Quote

I saw her, read the accompanying explanation above and I immediately rejected the possibility that it could be "true". Well... yes! I do confess that this was my initial response. I did not like what I saw. I saw her spinning counterclockwise and did not like this (for reasons I will not address on this post). Then I proceeded to do a bit of research on cognition and re-visited the site and then saw her spinning clockwise. My skepticism grew. What I read, I liked even less. I initially rejected all of it - and then - I thought about it a bit. Then, I did a bit more research on studies conducted at Yale University on the human brain and cognition and then... well... it's your call. I no longer attempt to convince anyone of anything. There it is.

You could, if you wish begin by visiting the following urls for some perspective:

Actually, my intention was not to bore you with tedious questions related to cognitive science - which may or may not be of any interest to you. My true intention is to nudge you in the direction of questioning your beliefs for at least a nanosecond and peerhaps open a window in your mind. I do apologize if I have somehow violated your free will.

For most of us, it seems that we are ready... willing... and very able to unquestioningly accept that what we see with our anatomical eyes... is - what is. Although you may be one of so many (myself included) that from an intellectual perspective - DENIES this limitation, it is a habitual response (program) that is indeed quite challenging to free ourselves from. In my case, the actual work began with consideration of the possibility that 'All - is not as it appears'. This 'what if' period was and continues to be, increasingly uncomfortable - to say the least! It amounts to a level of suspension of belief that is almost impossible to accurately describe to another - who is not trekking down the same path. This chosen perspective of 'what if' seems to attract others who are in an infinite variety of differing stages of - what I will refer to as - Now What?

I will post here a warning to those that are comfortably entrenched in a rigid, but familiar, existence of BELIEVING.

There is indeed, in essence - such a place as - what I will refer to as - 'awake'. Once there, it seems that it is almost... impossible... to travel back in 'time' to that original place of familiar and comfortable and rigid... BELIEVING.

Where I find myself now - is - for the most part - quite uncomfortable. I am not referring to "comfort" in any material sense. I am referring to "comfort" in a psychic sense. One aspect of my thought process struggles in retrospect to somehow - and occasionally - in a fit of desperation - 'revive' the old programmed 'thing' that I once perceived as "me". I reach back to her, grab her, shake her and in futility attempt to revive her. Alas, this fails. She is like a garment that I have outgrown and no matter how determined I may be - I simply no longer fit inside of it. She lies there, still alive, though discarded and almost useless to anyone or anything in the ever expanding present perception of "all that is". I do not pity her. I do feel great empathy and great compassion for her. For she has served me well on my path of lessons chosen.

Discomfort is akin to finding oneself naked in front of the entire universe. It is a very transparent place to dwell. I am still a liar. Only now, I am aware of my lies and thus find that I feel response - able for my lies. Ouch! very uncomfortable. In this process I have lost the skill of believing in my own lies. I have lost the skill of easily convincing myself that "all that is " - is - as I want/wish it to be. For the most part, I sit and watch myself stumble and learn. My only saving grace, is that I have not lost my sense of humor. I can still laugh at myself. Actually, I laugh at myself more now - than I did when I was an efficiently and successfully programmed female. During the most intense experiences of mirth, I deeply understand how and why so many people are labeled as "insane" and fortunately have learned to keep my laughter - pretty much to myself. The laughter I speak of is a result of the irony I see in so many experiences and especially - the irony that lies within my own lessons. Ha Ha! He He! I do indeed laugh and I also feel profound sadness and feel deeply humbled by it all. I've decided that I am a cactus in human form - as my body hair - rising up and sticking out has become so commonplace that I have given up on it. Hairspray was never the answer, say I.

Hairspray is a source of laughter.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

The road less traveled...

I have not posted to my blog for a year, and yet this fact
does not reflect a lack of profound thinking. New challenges have manifested on my path. Some of these
challenges have been surprising and sometimes even shocking. When I think I truly know myself, I am predictably presented with a new "set of lessons". I think of my daughter, Michel who works so hard to prepare the lessons she will challenge her students with. Yet the most enlightening lessons are those we seem to consciously or unconsciously prepare for ourselves.

I confess that I am a hardheaded and stubborn person. Even when I generate a new lesson for myself, I will squirm and rebel against the content of what I have learned. It is never easy. On the contrary, my individual lessons are always difficult, painful and ultimately the most valuable opportunities for learning, growth and spiritual evolution I have thus far discovered.

What I have learned in the past year, is that if I allow my thoughts to wander aimlessly, I will predictably FALL into
the depths of what I think of as "atrophy". I am just as vulnerable to self gratifying - empty - meaningless thoughts as any other being with a human brain. If I knew for a fact that this "tendency" would cease at the end of the road and that I would then "think" with a universal non-physical "mind" versus "brain - well... then... the big picture would not be quite as bleak. However, I more than suspect that this is not exactly how the uni-verse is arranged. I suspect that this process - we perceive as "thinking" is much more complex and elaborate than what we perceive
within these individual personalities we are presently manifesting.

On a good day, I pull "the self" up from the depths of atrophy, grab the reins firmly and think responsibly and deliberately! Easier written than accomplished!

I learned from Candace B. Pert, PhD, that my "thoughts"
generate a molecular outcome. I recommend her book, The Molecules of Emotion, to all readers of this blog. Generating a molecular outcome by "thinking" is an amazing and thought provoking idea. I will risk ridicule by quoting the character Spiderman.... :)
"With great power - comes great responsibility" said Spiderman - and this is no laughing matter.

If what I think can influence - what I perceive as - MY MOLECULES - then, I ask - where exactly do MY MOLECULES END AND ALL OTHER MOLECULES BEGIN?

The point being - that we do have somewhat of a fundamental understanding of atoms and molecules and we have learned that they can and they do "affect" each other.
With this premise in mind - how can I convince myself that my thoughts have no effect on the big picture. I cannot.

Here I sit...

Will I repeatedly, lazily, irresponsibly continue to fall and sink into creative atrophy? This is undoubtedly one path always always available to me. Or, will I grab the reins of my mind and hold on tight. Will I take response - ability
for my thoughts and behave as a member of The Family of LIGHT - or become one more Darth Vader caricature?

I will end this post by quoting a group of learned friends.
"The battle is always there, it is when you choose that counts"

Tuesday, September 26, 2006

veil of falsehood

Veil of Falsehood

V, the gentle veil at rest
delicately woven shroud
intricately threaded
elaborately embroidered
dark imperceptible vestment
believing itself the Face

V, the eyelid, not the eye
magnificent muted camouflage
cloak of crystalline fog
perceives the darkness as the light
oblivious to the deception
believing itself the Seer

V, the pinnacle inverted
needle on the compass
pointing downwards
tunneling towards obscurity
leading astray,
digging the rabbit hole
a vortex of enslavement
a burial for the soul

Friday, July 21, 2006


Every day now, when I awaken, I wonder what new unspeakable act
will violate my conscious awareness. In the last four years, the
country of my birth has committed criminal acts that I can only
describe as

Very very few human beings want to face it, talk about it, complain, protest
or in particular.... THINK ABOUT IT. Yesterday I watched a young woman
on TV who was stopped by a reporter. When asked what she 'THINKS" about
the overall situation in the middle east, she responded "I don't". She went
on to say, more or less, that she blocks it out and pretends it is not happening.
From a psychological perspective, this is called "denial". Most people of ALL
ages are choosing the easy way out.
Pretend it did not happen.
Pretend it does not happen.
Pretend it isn't happening NOW - TODAY - TOMORROW!
Repress it.
Deny it.
Bury it.
Cover it up.
Justify it.
Rationalize it.

The irony lies in the fact that all of these defense mechanisms
constitute thinking of the worst kind. There is in fact a "choice"
involved in this type of behavior or response. Choosing denial
and choosing to remain in oblivion is in fact a CHOICE. This
amounts to a form of thinking BY DEFAULT. These are the thoughts
of the cowardly and the weak - who of course - are completely
entitled to their cowardice and their weakness.

As the unspeakable acts of aggression, cruelty and murder continue
in the middle east and in other locations on the planet, here "at
home" we lose more and more of our "perceived" freedom. We
are silent. We are passive. We allow ALL OF IT. WE CHOOSE TO


Tuesday, July 04, 2006


Settling down after watching fireworks on the beach.
I had the day off from work. It's a national holiday.
The celebration of the day of independence.

I take a look in the dictionary and I read:
Main Entry: independence
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: freedom
1: freedom from control or influence of another or others.

The irony is almost impossible to express.
The people of the United States of America take this
day to celebrate...


Our 'perceived' freedom is nothing more than a
falsehood, say I.

To say that we are free from the control
or the influence of others is to believe in
fairy tales.

We ARE controlled.
We are very controlled.
We are VERY MUCH influenced.
We are lied to daily.
Lied to by our allegedly 'elected' political leaders.
Lied to by the 'voluntary' members of the armed forces.
Lied to by the mainstream 'free' press.
Lied to by the corporations that employ us.
Layers upon layers of lies, so cunningly
wrapped around each other in a gigantic
tapestry of deceit and betrayal.

I sat there on the sand, looking up at the sky
and watching the explosive colored lights.
Wondering what it must be like to live in
Iraq, or Palestine, or any of the other numerous
planetary locations where bombs and missiles
light up the sky.

Do the children in these places scream with
excitement and glee when they see and
hear the bombs? Of course not.

These 'other' children are living a nightmarish
reality which manifests from the lies we so
willingly swallow.

I can't help but wonder what it must have been like
in days of old...

before we succumbed to the outcomes of
our choices. The time before the discovery
of electrical power and 'artificial light'. The
time when dawn and the arrival of sunlight
was a natural occurence of nature. The time
when people looked up at the night sky and
rested their eyes upon the infinity of the stars.

Oh uni - verse where we have written
words of blasphemy and irreverence,

Oh parchment where I lay my blood
stained instrument,

may the lessons be quick and forgiving,
for I am weary and I have learned.

Friday, June 23, 2006

A trickle of truth about 9-11

If all you do to keep yourself informed regarding 9-11
is read, watch and listen to the mainstream media, you
might actually feel appalled at the "story" and the details
provided for your "belief".

However, if you are interested in objective factual evidence
that supports the TRUTH - then the mainstream media
cannot/should not be the one and only source for
gathering of information on this subject. If you are
appalled - then you might as well be appalled about the

Below is the url for a short article on 9-11 and Thermate.
I encourage you to read the article and then...
make the effort to DO YOUR OWN RESEARCH. If you
are going to BELIEVE the article below - without doing
your own research, then what have you accomplished?

BYU Physics Prof Finds Thermate in WTC Physical Samples,
Building Collapses an Inside Job

author: Jacob Hamblin

Based on chemical analysis of WTC structural steel residue,
a Brigham Young University physics professor has identified
the material as Thermate.

Thermate is the controlled demolition explosive thermite plus
sulfur. Sulfur cases the thermite to burn hotter, cutting steel
quickly and leaving trails of yellow colored residue.

Prof. Steven Jones, who conducted his PhD research at the
Stanford Linear Accelerator Center and post-doctoral research
at Cornell University and the Los Alamos Meson Physics Facility,
has analysed materials from WTC and has detected the existence
of thermate, used for "cutting" the steel support columns, as
evident in the photo below.

Dr. Jones is a co-founder of Scholars for 911 Truth.

Dr. Jones in earlier work pointed to thermate as the likely
explosive that brought down the WTC1, WTC2, and WTC7
skyscrapers. But only recently was physical material analysed
in the lab and the presense of thermate announced. The
samples were provided Dr. Jones team from redundant sources.

Both BYU and Prof. Jones have been offered additional grants
if he would "change the direction" of his research. In addition,
there have been threats made by an individual who
"is taking action" to stop Steven Jones' research, specifically
his experiment with thermites (aluminothermics), on the
grounds his work may be helpful to "terrorists". Jones notes
that much more detailed information on both thermite and
thermate is readily available on the internet.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Blue in the Face

blue in the face

atomic describes me
spinning, whirling, spiraling
potential generating form and expression
attracted and attracting
a reflection of her many faces
the mirror images of infinity
plurality clothed in flesh
dancing, multiplying, diversifying
singing, humming, vibrating
one of her many souls
a personality speaking
until I am blue in the face

Sunday, June 11, 2006

to be or not to be... objective

At this point in time/space I find that the
probability of achieving 100% objectivity
is not a realistic goal.

Do I abandon the project without
attempting to reach the goal?

Even a small measure of
achievable objectivity
is preferable over my former
state of oblivious subjectivity.

What I understand thus far is
that as the observer...
I change reality.
Thus, my conscious and
deliberate choice
to attempt objective observation
holds a universal value.

Every effort on my part to honestly
examine my attempt to be objective
generates an emotional response or
bias. This distorts my own self analysis.

There seems to be an infinity of factors
that influence my thoughts.

My own awareness of these factors
somewhat ameliorates the programming
towards subjectivity.

It is a small beginning.

I feel somewhat encouraged.

I must grow and develop a new pattern,
a new habit of awareness and vigilance
regarding these factors.

From an individual perspective,
this amounts to a gigantic attempt at
mental mutitasking.

Is it possible that a new way of thinking
can ever become second nature?

I do not know the answer.
I can only try and continuing trying.
I can speculate and I can hope that
to be a worthwhile endeavor.